Dealing with Difficult Neighbors

Valerie Nelson (1149) 07 Apr 2006 04:58 PM

I like your ideas Sherry. It is not easy to live near someone that you have trouble getting along with. Your suggestions seam realistic and talking it out with people frequently helps to clear the air.

Nancyandamom (6) 30 Jun 2006 06:24 AM

Let's face it. Confrontation is stressful for most people - including myself. Talking to a neighbor about the bothersome things they do, creates more stress and disrupts any possible harmony you may try to acheive between you. Its never the same after the confrontation. But confrontation is good. It frees you from the anger inside. And helps you to move on with your life. Something my mother never taught me. I know this first hand because we are dealing with a neighbor who sees nothing wrong with allowing his high school aged boys to play basketball (with their friends) until midnight every night (so far this summer). How can they play in the dark, you wonder? Simple. They park their cars with the highbeams on pointing directly at the court which shines into the back of our house, where inadverently our bedrooms are located and where we are trying to sleep. I've asked the boys to stop playing around 10:30 (twice), and they just ignore me. I've talked to the father, who is unresponsive. My next step will be calling the police. Meanwhile, I have the whole event on video (the late night game, the bright headlights, and the conversdation asking the boys to stop). Real harmony in a neighborhood that appeared to be family friendly. And this morning, after sleeping a sound 4 hours, I feel harrassed in my own home. Excuse me, but before I get too bitter, I need to do another confrontation with my neighbors. I'll keep you readers posted. And maybe I'll tell you the story about the trees this neighbor planted around my children's playset and at the bottom of the slide...

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 01 Jul 2006 08:08 AM

Wow, Nancy, I feel for you. Confrontation is difficult, but sometimes it helps, if handled in a calm fashion (if that's possible after only a few hours sleep!). Please do keep us posted.

We had neighbors once that were absolutely ridiculous. I may have to write that story to share. Best of luck with your situation.

sendpt (5) 13 Oct 2006 09:37 AM

I have already asked my neighbor if I offended her but she responded with a scathing email that ignored everything I said. She avoided me for 3 weeks and won't even look at me. Now her friends have begun to invite me to more Party Lite or similar type parties but are rude to me if I attend. How should I respond? Should I just ignore these women, RSVP "no" to their parties, begin waving again or what? I've never dealt with nasty women like this before and can use some help.

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 13 Oct 2006 10:03 AM

What a shame, sendpt. I would suggest re-reading the email. Try to look past her rant and see if you can find a hint as to what she's really angry about.

Personally, I wouldn't attend a party if people were rude to me. I might however ask one of those hosting the party what the problem is, when I called to RSVP.

I would continue to wave and be polite in the mean time.

I hope things work out for you.

Marjorie Dorfman (2577) 14 Oct 2006 07:56 AM

Hi Sherry, Bad neighbors can ruin a neighborhood. I have never had one, but I do have one rule of thumb. No matter how nice a neighbor is, be just as nice, but don't get too friendly. If something happens, everything is too close for comfort.

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 14 Oct 2006 08:05 AM

They really can ruin a neighborhood, Marjorie, and it's just sad. While I completely get what you're saying, I think it's sad that in this world today it's come to that. I guess this is another good reason to live out in the country. Neighbors aren't real close as a physical measure but fairly close relationship wise.

anexius01 (6) 24 Oct 2007 12:48 PM

I moved into a beautiful new home in June, 2007. Immediately I found out that I was sandwiched between to difficult situations. The neighbors to the right and the neighbors to the right. I spoke with the neighbors to the left and everything calmed down. However the neighbor to the left----well difficult is not the word. As recently as last night I again had to call the police. There is a man approx 30-35 years old who acts like a bad teenager. After trying to broker a decent neighbor to neighbor relationship and his being non receptive to that I knew that I would have to call out the big dogs. This guy lives in the house owned by his father, does not work and waits until working people come home from work to come out of the house. From approximately 7pm until the wee, wee hours of the morning his unsavery friends drive through the neighborhood in soouped up cars, making more noise than I thought possible, sit outside with the motors running and speaking loudly while using fould language. Monday night I had had enough (actually Tuesday morning) and went out asking the driver of another idleing car to cut the motor. The driver was fine with that and even apologized, but the big mouth from next door challenged me verbally and I have to say that I did not back down....and he seemed surprised about that. After all I was an angry women having her sleep distrubed at 1:00am. Since then he has launched a retalitary misson!! Loud cars,loud talk at 11:45pm and again I called the police who again came and again told him what the deal was. All the other neighbors have been bothered by him but I think they have just tired of calling the police.....But not me. For $300,000.00 I am determined to have peace and quite. I have written a letter to the Township Committee to get my problem on next months agenda...hopefully then I'll get some resolution to this problem. Pray that I don't flip before that......did I mention I'm in menopause!!!!

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 25 Oct 2007 05:52 AM

Congratulations on the new home, Anexius, but I'm sorry to hear about the problems you're going through. I don't know why people behave that way. I wonder if there is some way you could contact this "man's" father that owns the house. Sounds like this guy is probably doing other things he shouldn't. Please be careful. I'll pray for you and hope things settle down.

Birdy763 (5) 21 Mar 2008 05:07 PM

Hi Sherry

I 've owned this townhouse for 5 years, now. We have strict rules in our association regarding pets, leaving the garage doors open, and where to store garbage bins. I have a new neighbor who is a renter. She was not cleaning up after her dog. Three days go by, so I approached her about the rules regarding cleaning up and gave her my copy of the rule book. I figured that she was not aware of the rules. Fourth day goes by and she still had not cleaned it up, so I turned her into the association. Next day it was cleaned up. During the winter, one morning when I left for work, I noticed that there garage door was open. When I came home (6 hours later), the garage door was still open. So, I approached her again, this time to inform her that the pipes are in the walls and it is against the rules to leave the garage doors open for an extended amount of time in the winter. She did get a little snippity about this, so I told her that from now on, if you are in violation of the rules I am going to go straight to the association. It sounded to me like she had not read the rules. So I figured why should I give her any more chances. Third rule broken, she started leaving her garbage can at the end of the road for three to four days after pickup. This went on for three weeks. So I turned her in. It’s odd that the rules she was violating was not all at the same time, but at different times. It’s my perception that she is testing the limits of the rules to see what she can get away with. I could very well be wrong.

Anyway, my neighbor has been watching me like a hawk, waiting for me to do anything wrong. I had to have emergency furnace work done one evening, and the repairman needed to bring in supplies, so I let him carry the stuff in through the garage so he wouldn't have to walk as far. Well, my neighbor came over after an hour to inform me my garage door was open and that I was in violation of the rules. Unfortunately, I showed her in my new copy of the rule book that it was ok to have the garage door open for a limited time for service repairs. That was a mistake on my part, because she got very mad. Said a few choice statements. I told her to leave, closed the door, and apologized to the repairman that he had to witness that. I also contacted the association to let them know that they might want to let the homeowners know about the situation and that if she comes to my door again that I am going to call the cops.

Anyway, it can become a scary situation to approach neighbors. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 22 Mar 2008 11:00 AM

Some people seem to thrive on strife, don't they? It can be scary to approach people, especially those who have such terrible attitudes.

Is the association doing anything about this person? It seems that the people who actually own property there should be accountable for their renter's actions. They may need to find a new renter, if this woman continues to harass homeowners. It's a terrible thing to be made uncomfortable in your own home.

atxgirl (5) 21 Apr 2008 10:18 AM

As a life-long resident of my street I am experiencing a difficult situation with some mid-seventy year old neighbors who appear to be stressed to the max (they are caring for one of their parents in their home who is in a vegetative state). I can see that they do not adequately care for themselves and that they have very little, if any, help. They definately have no family support. Unfortunately these folks (who used to be very pleasant) have a bone to pick with every single resident on the street (and thus have pushed some very nice neighbors, who could be a great help to them, away.) They get angry when younger, more social people have friends over and park their cars in front of their home. They complain about how people set limbs and brush out for yard waste collection. Every dog bark disturbs them (except their own dog, of course). If anyone has a gathering they are hypersensitive to noise (even if it is early). While I can see that they are living in a very difficult and emotionally draining situation, I am frustrated that they are offended by every little thing. Sadly for them, they live between two rental houses (which are usually occupied by several younger people). Sadly for me, they have complained without ceasing about their renter neighbors, and even demanded that "I do something about it or else they would!!!" I exlplained that I do not own those homes, nor do I have any control over who lives their. I also explained very gently that no laws are being broken, and that they live a different lifestyle than most everyone else on the street (especially with an 8:00pm to 4:00am sleep time).

Another neighbor has expressed concern about comments that she has percieved as "threats" from the elderly gentleman. I always thought she was paranoid until this man made some comments today about "handling people himself". This does not legally constitute a threat, however, I am concerned. I feel like this guy lives a miserable life, has nothing to lose, and is blaming other people for his misery. I am also getting nervous that he feels that I am responsible for property that I do not own, nor manage!

I get along with everyone on the street, and have tried to help keep the peace. I feel that this older couple is emotionally unstable, and that their demands are unreasonable. I am exasperated and will probably be avoiding them from now on.

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 22 Apr 2008 06:02 AM

That is a very difficult situation, atxgirl. No immediate solution comes to mind other than trying to communicate with these folks, perhaps when/if there is a time that they are less stressed out. Perhaps there is some form of support in the community that could be enlisted to give them a hand? Maybe a church or other type of volunteer group? A very unsettling story, but thank you for sharing it.

TJP (5) 05 Jun 2008 10:15 AM

I have a neighbour with twin 12 year old boys. This family moved onto the street 6 months ago, and it hasen't been the same since. These kids do as they please, and have no respect for anyone or anything. Their "fun" ranges from throwing glass bottles into the street, to egging cars and houses. I have tried talking to the mother ( no father figure around ), and been told where to go. The police won't do anything without proof, and I am at my wits end. We used to have a nice, well keep street. Now we have a getto. How can one family cause so much strees, discomfort, and damage.

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 06 Jun 2008 03:18 PM

I imagine the mother has her hands full, but that doesn't mean her children should be allowed to cause others so much grief. A friend of mine used a video camera to capture the antics of such a child near her home. It was the only way to get the police to do something. Still, she didn't want the kid to get into real trouble, but having the police speak to him seemed to get his attention...

Best of luck, TJP. I hope things change for the better.

standyzach (5) 13 Aug 2008 04:58 PM

I have decided to contact you after several months of arguing with my husband on what to do about our neighborhood nemeses. My home is at the end of a cul-de-sac, and therefore, the side of my house is very close to the sides of our neighbors homes. In May our newest neighbors decided to roto-till their entire back and side yards with the intention of putting down grass seed or sod (or so we thought). Instead however, they left it go and now an entire yard full of dirt and weeds (that they do not mow, mind you). The weeds are now encroaching on our meticulously cared for lawn (thank you husband!). They also have a 3 car garage so full of junk that they can't park in it. They have therefore decided to park a full-sized trailer piled with junk on the side of their house which leaves it about 5 feet from the side of our house (not in our yard though). We have given this time, but after a whole summer of looking at their mess I am sick of it!

They are the kind of people that I don't think would take well to criticism, no matter how nicely delivered (she is always telling me of people that have done them wrong and the restraining orders they have on various exes). I have considered filing a complaint to the city, but it will be obvious that we were the ones complaining. With the layout of the yards a fence is not possible. We live in a very nice neighborhood and everyone else takes care of their yards and property, why can't they?

Is there a way to get them to clean up their act without starting a neighborhood feud with them?

Sherry Holetzky (11404) 15 Aug 2008 09:11 AM

Perhaps you could say that you are concerned for her and that you don't want to see her end up with fines, etc. resulting from the appearance of her home/yard. Maybe ask in a gentle way if there is anything you can do to help them get things together.

Otherwise, I'm not sure there is a way to change the situation without any hard feelings. Perhaps if you could get other neighbors to go along with you on a complaint, it wouldn't be as bad as if it were coming solely from you...

nikkiginaz (5) 01 Oct 2009 07:40 PM

We live in a very small culd-a-sac with 8 houses in an area you would normally fit maybe 3 or 4 tops. It's expected that neighbors are going to get in each other's way. However, it's also expected that the neighbors should be respectful of the close quarters and of each other's property. Our neighbors, seemed to forget the latter. It's a single dad who allows his children to play ball (with an aluminum bat and baseball) right in front of our truck. The kids also come and play in our yard and draw on our sidewalk and tear things up. To make a long story short, they're simply put...very disrespectful people. Today, after they hit our truck hard enough with a ball to make the alarm go off, the inevitable confrontation took place. In hindsight, it was a very stupid idea of me to even go outside while I was angry. Lesson learned. I had a few (loud) words with the babysitter and said that when the father came home I'd like to speak with him as well. Of course she lied to him when he came home and said I cursed in front of the kids, which I absolutely did not. I was perfectly calm by the time he rang our doorbell and was ready to have a civil, adult conversation. He was not. He was completely incapable of handling the situation like an adult, so after about 5 minutes of trying my best to handle the situation maturely and him actually suggesting that I find some place else to park my vehicle (other than my own driveway), I told him that I wasn't going to argue and that if he wanted to speak to me respectfully and like an adult, perhaps we could do it another time. As I walked off, he was still yelling profanities at me and advised me that his children will continue to play in the street and that I should expect accidents to happen. Now, I have no clue where to go from here. I thought about writing him a letter, but I simply don't see him as the type of person that will ever be willing to deal with this in a mature, respectful manner. So, I guess we will just have to continue living with the fear that our property will be damaged. What other choice do we have?